Rudolph and the Law

I’m sure that you have seen the classic Christmas special "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". This special premiered in 1964 and is the longest running, highest rated special in TV history.

I watched it again this year. By the end, I decided that I should move to the North Pole and set up shop.

The potential new clients are everywhere! Even before we get to see Rudolph, we see Mrs. Santa berating Santa for being too skinny and forcing him to eat. Can you say "eating disorder"? The psychological harm Mrs. Santa has caused him is grounds for divorce as "cruelty". I should take that one on a contingency basis. 25% of that property settlement will be almost enough to retire.

When we do meet Little Rudolph, he is barely out of the chute and staggering around before Donner notices that his son is, you know, different.

Santa comes to see the new addition and freaks out about the nose. Donner, hoping to minimize the impact, offers that it (the deformity) should go away as Rudolph grows up. Santa, who is supposed to be the ever-kind "Father Christmas", says "Let’s hope so, if he wants to make the sleigh team someday." Later, after Rudolph’s nose is exposed at the Reindeer Games, Santa tells Donner that he should be ashamed of himself (for producing a mutant, we can assume.)

 Nice, Santa, really nice.  I take it Santa isn't an equal opportunity employer.  Rudolph's case for punitive damages will be most lucrative.

Donner, child abuser that he is, decides to force Rudolph to wear a cover over his nose, which prevents him from breathing and speaking properly. When Rudolph complained it wasn’t comfortable, Donner says that there are "more important things than comfort – self-respect!" Wait until the Reindeer Children’s Aid catches up with him! I’ll take Rudolph’s case against his parents for cruel and unusual punishment.

And if being a child abuser wasn’t bad enough, old Donner is a bit of a sexist reindeer too (can you call a reindeer a sexist pig?) When they discover that Rudolph is missing, Donner tells Mrs. Donner that she can’t help to look for him, as it is "man’s work". If there’s anything left after Rudolph’s lawsuit, I’ll help Mrs. Donner in her matrimonial case.

Then we get to meet Hermey, the elf that wants to be a dentist. His supervisor ridicules Hermey in front of the other elves and does not allow him to take a break with the other elves. He is told "finish the job or you’re fired!" Hermey, not being able to take the abuse, quits. I’ll handle that wrongful dismissal case!

Yukon Cornelius carries a six-shooter in his belt, for everyone to see. There was no trigger lock, as far as I can see. Does he have a licence for that handgun? I doubt it! The defence of those charges should keep me in criminal court for a good year.

Finally, Yukon and Hermey will be facing animal cruelty charges. I mean, really, beating an animal unconscious and pulling out all its teeth? That’s abominable!

Merry Christmas to all, and if you need to sue Santa for defective gifts, you know where to find me!